Frustration. And Epiphany. The Contrast. | Jan 18 2007 11:45 PM
It sucks that I go to school every day, praying that I'll make a difference and that I'll talk to someone. It sucks that I go to church every wednesday, sunday, and saturday yearning to go and change my school and praying that I'll be able to talk to that one guy. It sucks, because I've almost gotten to the dangerous cliff of apathy. I mean, I'm right at the brink.
Trust me, I won't go over. Believe me, I won't. It's just I'm so tired of having this huge responsibility that has been placed in my lap that I have to get up and do something with, but never can.
I don't know how to do this. There was a time, in my 8th grade of school, when I was crazy about telling others about my savior. I mean, I was fearless. It also happened to be one of the best school years of my life.
But now, I'm so far from that.
I don't know how to do this. I can't do this. I admit, I confess, I'll blame all this on my selfishness, but, nothing changes.
Well, something does change - I have my guilt of not doing anything taken away. But other than that, I don't change.
I read in the book the challenge that consisted of me bringing 7 people to Christ this year. And 14 next year. But how do I do this when I don't know how?
I really don't know how to do this. Really.
The bright side, as dim as it seems right now, is that through Christ we can do anything. So commonly known by me. But, I don't really know it. Obviously, I don't.
If I did, my school would already look different. And maybe not my school, but I know my life would be different for sure.
I don't know how to do this, God.
I've told Him that more times than I can count. But, each time, it isn't enough to drown out the fact that I don't know how to do this. Did you understand that? Read it again. Read it again until it makes sense. It sure didn't make sense the first time I wrote it, just now. But read it again and you'll see my meaning.
Because none of us do know how to do this. If you're reading this right now, and you do, please tell me. I would give anything for a detailed explanation on how to live for God completely and tell everyone, yes, indeed everyone about God. I'm pretty sure that no one does know.
This is because we can't do this. Not only do we not know how to, but even if we knew how to do it, we couldn't do it. We need God to radically change us. AND MAYBE THAT'S THE KEY!!! Maybe God has been waiting for me to type these words tonight so that, now that I realize it, He can do something. I do realize now that there's nothing I can do to change the way I live for God at school (believe me, I do live for God at school, but I keep it private). Jeff Turner read a crucial verse out of I think Jeremiah (I'll have to find that after this) last night at D'groups that said that we need to learn how to live for God now, when it's easy, so that when it gets hard, we will be able to. It basically said that if we aren't living for him and we're stumbling in sin now, while we're in the easy season, how will we even be able to stand in the hard season?
So, all I can do is get in the word, soak up every minute of peace I share with Jesus, and get to know Him better. And, pray unceasingly for him to change me. To take my heart and get rid of everything except His heart. Because that's all I want. It's all I need. It's what I need in order to care.
And that's another thing. I can honestly say that right now, I'm not the least bit concerned that my friends are all going to hell. You can't comprehend how hard it is to write that. But, it is the truth. Why does it hurt to write that? Because I know I should be distressed over my friends' predicament.
Ok. So, if I know I should be scared for them,
And I know that they are going to hell,
And I know that that is the worst, scariest, place anyone could ever experience,
Why am I not scared for them? Am I the only one reading this, thinking that it doesn't make sense?
So, what it all comes down to is this, this is all I know.
We have to ask. We have to pray for brokenness. That's all I know. I'm tired of keeping this joy and peace to myself. It seems so corny at school, but I'm going to get over it. I'm going to get over it. I'm going to get over it. It may - no it will be unpopular, uncool, awkward, but I'm going to get over it. And if I can't, then I'll beg God for it. Without brokenness, I am nowhere.
Think about this - Why tell your friends about God, who can save them from their doomed destination when you don't care? Why tell them when it's easier not to, because you couldn't care less? I'm pretty sure that is what it all comes down to.